Friday, June 6, 2008

confessions of a frazzled stay at home mommy...

my ideal day: start off with a personal trainer dragging me out of bed for a nice body toning work out, my house would be pristine & tidy, my children would be dressed with matching monogrammed outfits, & a healthy dinner would magically appear and miraculously, my children would eat ALL of their vegetables!!!!

fast forward to REALITY:


from my current view - there is a load of recently washed, unfolded towels piled up on my sofa (from three days ago), a tricycle, cozy coupe, over 8 pairs of shoes...ranging in size from itty bitty to really big, a kid's chair, sippy cups, a dirty diaper, books, & a stuffed bunny rabbit...and that's just in my living room...you haven't seen the rest of the house... and i don't have the energy to get up and do anything about it. i haven't in a couple of days.

i am having one of those weeks. i feel like i am in a fog...just flowing from one moment to the next. it is in these days that it is very easy for me to nit-pic my mothering and "wifing" apart. i don't feel like i am reaching that all consuming pinnacle of "perfection" that i have set for myself...which is really hard to admit...but is there really such a thing? i truly believe that most of us are doing the best we can to take care of our families & give all that we have. sometimes it is easier than others. it is not ever easy to admit when we are "low" and it is certainly not ever easy to admit that we are not perfect. but i am certainly trying to fake my way through it.

as i sit here and ponder on all the things that i didn't do today...i think about the things my daughters (if they could articulate them) would say about what i did do today. i took them to the park and did the "spider" swing with ella, i rocked my little maddie, i pitted cherries for them at lunch, i watched ella perform the same "magic" trick at least 10 times and acted amazed at each one, ella got to stay up "late", & i told them at least a 100 times how much i loved them and was proud of them. in their eyes...i suppose i was perfect. that is really all that should matter.

ella tells me all the time "thanks, mommy - you're the best mom i could ever have"... why can't i believe it?

the thank you really goes to them.

my children try to teach me so much - every second of every day. why won't i let myself learn more from them? madeline was fussing loudly as we set out for our adventure to the park today and i turned around and said "maddie, quit throwing a fit"...to which ella replied "mommy, she is not throwing a fit - she is just crying". that really stopped me dead in my tracks. she was exactly right...i was in such a "mechanical mommy" mode that i didn't even stop long enough to realize that madeline was doing exactly what she needed to do to express herself. i told ella she was exactly right, shut my mouth, & turned around to do what i could do best in that moment...chauffeur!!!!

i don't know why this week is so hard for me...i know there will be ones a lot harder than this though. i won't ever be perfect - who is? one thing i do know for sure is that i always try.

the love i have for my two daughters is perfect...who cares that the rooms in my house are not.

2 comments:

The Cascio Whirlwind said...

Oh, my heart is with you. I too feel these same days, only more often. Be always thankful of the moments you have with them. I am trying to teach myself that lesson. I wish my house was clean, too. Mallory did help today by making her bed and sisters bed. She tried to clean house while I was gone to get my haircut, so "mommy will not have to clean all day". I thought that was so sweet of her.

Diana and Orie said...

loving the recent posts...i think people know they're a good mom by the smiles on their children's faces :)