Friday, March 28, 2008

a heart full of love...

it is late...almost 1 a.m. the rest of my little family are tucked into bed, sleeping soundly and i am busy getting ready to head to the amish country in the morning...and i am so in love. i am almost brought to tears at how much i love my two daughters...and when i really let myself admit husband. of course, i love him, but lately things seem so complicated. my sadness overshadows all the things i KNOW i should be thankful for. i was downloading pictures of ella & maddie in the bathtub that i took last night and i was overcome with such immense emotion. seeing their smiles and their bright eyes...knowing they were looking at their daddy...makes me so happy.

i have such a hard time not feeling isolated from jeffrey because i FEEL like, for the most part, that we are on this journey solely for him. to say that we have been lacking joy lately would be quite an understatement...we certainly have little glimpses of happiness - how can you not when you have children - but this journey so far sucks the life out of me. but we laughed together tonight for the first time in a long time...we went to J.C. Penney's to get an air mattress (random i know) and we used granny's handicap parking pass (i felt really guilty about it but jeffrey did not!!!)...instead he limped into the store with such determination...i was truly almost wetting my pants. i didn't realize how much i missed our silliness. it has been so long since we were able to let go and enjoy each other. who would have thought that it would happen on our date to J.C. Penney's, of all places!!!! still it felt nice.

i know though that i don't have to sprint...i can run or walk through this as slowly as i need to...because this is my story. i love my family, in these quiet moments i am still enough to really feel it, and i will give them all i have. and maybe just maybe, come out on the other side of all of this more fortified and sure that they love me back...unconditionally. for now, i will go to sleep with a heart overflowing.

hopefully, tomorrow's journey is not some ploy by jeffrey to get us to be is a secret wish of his!!!!!!!


Meredith for the Davis' said...

oh how i love you, my mere, and pelf and the i miss laughing with you guys...glad to read of your full heart and to think of you laughing makes my heart smile. your gimp hubby is a mess...more d.c., jc penney-ish fun times to come, i am sure. the girls, oh, how i yearn to know makes me cry right now. they are amazing--how could they not be?? you are loved so much.

The Cascio Whirlwind said...

And I too am saddened with you and happy all at the same time. Tears are in my eyes at this very moment. Thankfullness is a hard one to handle sometimes. You will come out on the other side of this and see just how much you have grown during this time.