Wednesday, February 27, 2008

holes...

every time someone leaves us here, they take a piece of me back with them & it leaves a hole in my heart. the girls and i took carmen to the airport this morning and i cried the whole way home. not only are we really sad that she won't be hanging out with us every day...it also marks the beginning of a time that i knew would eventually come - the day that guests would leave and i would really feel homesick. everything, all day long, made me want to cry...and i did...A LOT.

no amount of thinking or planning could have prepared me for how i would feel day to day. some days my internal dialogue goes something like this "ok, mere, you can do this...look how nice these people are". other days, like today, the dialogue looks more like this...swallow..."gosh, my heart feels like it is going to explode and i miss life prior to january 25 more than words can express"...

it is funny how the walls of this house can seem so comforting (because the rest of this HUGE city can feel so daunting) yet so foreign and eerie at the same time. sometimes when i am rocking ella or madeline, i get this feeling that washes over me that just makes me want to cry. it isn't anything that can truly be explained with words, but it isn't pleasant. my granny always says that "this too shall pass"...i'm waiting.

i am confident that tomorrow will be another try...another fresh start. it will be the first day that i try to maneuver getting ella to school on time with both girls, allow maddie to take her nap, try to get some errands run, & pick ella up on time! we shall see how that goes.

i feel like the little mouse, fievel mousekewitz, in an "american tail"...here are the lyrics to his song:

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are,
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together
somewhere out there, Out where dreams come true

good night from this big somewhere...

2 comments:

Jessica said...

Meredith--I'm lurking from the other Meredith's blog. I hope it's okay that I check out your page! I too have felt the way you do, although I was much younger. I moved with my family my junior year of high school from Oregon to Louisiana. Talk about a change (probably a bit like you're experiencing). Nothing was familiar, everyone talked strange and I even had to leave a boyfriend I so liked.. Everything made me cry and I was sad a lot. Fast forward three years and I didn't want to move back to Oregon when I had to. Granted I was much younger and teenagers are pretty resilient, but I know you will find your place among the "strange" ones. You many even grow to love it. What a beautiful family you have! Your house is also amazing! Even though I don't know you I will say a prayer for a sweet momma in a new city, may you grow to love it!

karamy3sons said...

Hi Meredith,

I got your blog via Meredith E. via BooMama via Proverbs 31 Website. I wanted to encourage you, my husband flies for SouthWest Airlines and we have moved 11 times. Hang in there, we finally have moved to my hometown north of Ft. Worth. Your dream of moving back South will happen. Take this time to make new friends and find a really good church. I pray that the Lord will bring you and your husband some really good Christian friends.

I have 4 boys Jonathan (my husband) Jackson, Davis and Grant. They are the joy of my life. God is so faithful. I hope this email encourages you!

God Bless,
Kara Shriver
Decatur, Texas
jshriver@urnet.net