Monday, December 31, 2007

the dreaded phone call...

we found out sunday night that we will definitely be moving to washington d.c. on january 28...our house sold. to say that i am "upset" may be the understatement of 2008. i know that sadness is usually described as an emotion...but mine feels like a physical pain. my heart is broken. the wound is fresh, i know, and i also know that i will get through this but i am not ready to put on my steel toe boots. i am sitting right in the middle of my grief and bathing in it.

i have known that i was in major denial but i just thought that with the housing market the way it was...i might could push this thing into summer. looks like i was wrong. the dam that i have built during this past year broke today and a river flows. let's just say that my eyes are swollen open if that makes any sense. i haven't cried like this in years...today i have been like a small child - willing to weep in any arms that will hold me.

my head and my heart are not speaking the same language. my head tells me that i should be thankful that our house sold and that we don't have to struggle with the headaches of that ordeal, but my heart feels an ache for all the things i will miss. i think about ella making loops through our kitchen and living room on her tricycle, the three of us taking baths together in our big "swimming pool" of a tub, ella's precious hand print in our driveway, maddie's nursery...the list is endless. some of these things sound so silly as i write them but i can't even articulate half of it. i won't even try.

i look forward to the day that i look back on this time and wonder how i ever made it through. i am confident it will come...it will have to...mostly because my children deserve to have a mommy that can cope. a mommy that is happy.

one of the hardest things to manage is knowing that this is what jeffrey wants, trying to somehow "support" him when i can't even muster the ability not to cry, and try to focus on what i have to be thankful for. my sweet friend laura told me today though as i was sobbing on the phone with her that it is OK for me to be sad...dayne told me the same thing. that feels so good to be given permission to let it go...even when it shows such an apparent weakness.

i NEED all my friends and family to come and visit, so everyone look at their calendars and figure out when you are coming. it will be like air and water to me...i don't want to survive without it. (most likely can't)

the one blessing is that this news came just hours after we celebrated my precious madeline's first birthday. (her party was a few weeks early which was apparently divine intervention) i can't imagine having to fake my pain during what is supposed to be such a happy, momentous occasion. she enjoyed the singing so much more than we ever thought she would and devoured the cake! we had to take it away from her so that she wouldn't have a "trans fat" overload!

i plan to send out the christmas pics of the girls and maddie's party pics. this blog won't always be a sob story, but i just feel like i have to share my heart no matter how raw my feelings are.

happy new year to all...

3 comments:

Meredith for the Davis' said...

i. love. you. so much more than you know...my heart hurts for you so badly. it is okay to feel what you are feeling and to show it...every few minutes if you have to, mer. turn your hands up to Him every time and ask him to give you what you need from moment to moment to make it through these days...He will carry you. i am praying for you daily, my mere.

The Eisele Family said...

I'm so sorry that you are still having the pain of this situation. I pray that it will pass quickly as you put all of those special memories in your heart to pull out at any moment you are needing comfort, and also that you will find some peace in looking forward to a new beginning as a family of 4 Full-time.

I am selfishly sad that you will be leaving, even though we haven't seen much of each other in the past year. But I look forward to hearing about all of the neat experiences you all have in your new home.

Happy Birthday Madeline! I can't wait to see pics from that celebration.

Big Hugs for you Mere!! We will by to see you and give them in person soon!

Meredith said...

Well, as I read this, so many familiar emotions and thoughts are running through my head. Trust me when I say everything will work out. It ALWAYS does. You are such a strong person! I mean if you can be pregnant, prepare to move and build a house.....then you can do anything. As soon as our life gets a little more put back together, we will be heading your way! If you ever need to talk, just know that I have been there! We love you guys!