it is 12:51 am and i just held my baby daughter.
after voting a million times for david cook, i decided to call it a day and go get ready for bed. i checked on ella like i do every night and i just had this overwhelming need to hold madeline. i crept into her room & watched her sleeping so soundly. her little hands were folded as if in prayer and she looked so peaceful. she laughed a little bit...i was hoping she would wake up...& started sucking her thumb. as i was adjusting her blanket, she opened her precious little eyes and blinked a long blink. i was so elated...the urge i had to hold her was so strong. i picked her up and she snuggled her relaxed little body into mine and i held her. tight. and i cried.
how is it that we as humans have the capacity to love so much? i sound like a broken record on this blog because i gush about how much i love my family all the time...but every word only speaks a fraction of what my heart feels. i tend to be most overwhelmed in these quiet moments of the night - i am incredibly homesick and that feeling creeps in like an unwelcome guest. at the same time, i am so filled with love that it is scary. my heart feels like it is going to beat out of my chest...i get the privilege to watch these precious little girls grow to be beautiful women...and they learn from me. they watch me & they want to know how i feel.
i am doing my best to put my "best foot forward"...i would say that they rarely see me "down". i will say though that this road seems long...
jeffrey mentioned the other day that we have only been here for three months...good grief, it feels like three years.
i will make it...because that is what mothers do. we push ahead when our bodies are sick & we push ahead when our hearts are sick. we can soothe our souls in the middle of the night by holding our dreams in the form of a tiny little 16 month old...and cry quiet tears. tears of longing, tears of gratitude, tears of love...but most importantly, tears of hope.
hope that while the journey may feel long this race will be short. hope that my daughters will be proud of me. hope that i will allow whatever change is to take place in me to happen.
hope that i will NEVER forget the moment i just shared with madeline...because those are the precious times that heal the battle wounds.
i love you...j - e - m - more than you will ever know.
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