every time someone leaves us here, they take a piece of me back with them & it leaves a hole in my heart. the girls and i took carmen to the airport this morning and i cried the whole way home. not only are we really sad that she won't be hanging out with us every day...it also marks the beginning of a time that i knew would eventually come - the day that guests would leave and i would really feel homesick. everything, all day long, made me want to cry...and i did...A LOT.
no amount of thinking or planning could have prepared me for how i would feel day to day. some days my internal dialogue goes something like this "ok, mere, you can do this...look how nice these people are". other days, like today, the dialogue looks more like this...swallow..."gosh, my heart feels like it is going to explode and i miss life prior to january 25 more than words can express"...
it is funny how the walls of this house can seem so comforting (because the rest of this HUGE city can feel so daunting) yet so foreign and eerie at the same time. sometimes when i am rocking ella or madeline, i get this feeling that washes over me that just makes me want to cry. it isn't anything that can truly be explained with words, but it isn't pleasant. my granny always says that "this too shall pass"...i'm waiting.
i am confident that tomorrow will be another try...another fresh start. it will be the first day that i try to maneuver getting ella to school on time with both girls, allow maddie to take her nap, try to get some errands run, & pick ella up on time! we shall see how that goes.
i feel like the little mouse, fievel mousekewitz, in an "american tail"...here are the lyrics to his song:
Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight
Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there
And even though I know how very far apart we are,
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky
Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together
somewhere out there, Out where dreams come true
good night from this big somewhere...
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
can you see...
what i see!!!!! ella LOVED this...
and she loved school as well. her second day is tomorrow and her lunch is all packed & she is ready. courtney, a little girl in her class, seemed to be a sweet little hostess to ella which made my heart feel good.
after approaching a cute girl in the produce department at the grocery store to inquire about her daughter's obvious ballet enrollment (she was in her outfit), i realized that i will never really look at strangers the same way. i know just 2 1/2 weeks into this journey, that i will be much more accommodating to "strange girls that approach me about ballet in the grocery store"...we are all just trying to fit in really...and you never know where you might meet a friend!
madeline and i have our second play date on tuesday as well. we are going to hear "mr. nate" at a coffee shop with jane (the precious girl from new orleans) & her little boy, campbell. i am so thankful that our paths crossed...little blessings all along the way.
it has been SO nice having carmen here - she will be our LAST guest for quite some time until my sweet granny comes for a nice long visit! anyone that would like to book a few nights with the "price b&b"...please contact us ASAP!
i miss "our old life" more than words can say. i miss my amazing friends. i miss the smell and "hugginess" of our old home. i miss the white queso at blue coast burrito. it goes without saying...i miss my "route 44 sonic drinks" - but i am SO thankful that in just a little over two weeks, it seems that i have made 2 good friends, have found a happy place for ella, & seen a few more smiles on madeline's face. it's baby steps. we are surviving.
i have no doubt that there will be many more mountains to climb and valley's to pass through as we go through this chapter of our lives...but for now, there is peace in knowing that we are making it. we'll see how i do once all my company leaves - i haven't tackled that obstacle yet...
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
just a normal day...
i wrote this last night, but it didn't post till today...that's why it is written in "future tense"!!!!!
we had what a southerner, like myself, would call a blizzard today. several inches of snow collected at our house yet strangely, there were still people out jogging and walking their dogs. people act like it is no big deal and then there is me...fighting back the urge to make a dash to the grocery to gather the staples to get us through what might be a "shut in"!!!!! oh, do i have some learning to do.
as soon as jeffrey got home tonight, he and ella went outside to play in the snow. since i am trying hard to find the nuggets of positivity in this experience, watching ella laugh and play...knowing that she would not have gotten to do this in little rock, somehow makes all of this a little bit easier. she is like my prophet - sent to teach me amazing things. to say "i love her" (and maddie) seems like an insignificant use of the english language...it is SO much more than that.
ella starts "school" tomorrow and we are all so excited. madeline and i have our first play date as well. i met a precious girl on our tour of the school - she happens to be from new orleans - almost feels like a miracle. anyway, i "stalkishly" asked for her phone number which she graciously gave me...and we are getting together tomorrow! maddie and i can hardly wait!!!!!
carmen is here visiting which is like having comfort food when you are not feeling so well. ella has a blast with her - "carmie" hardly ever gets to sit down! jeffrey and i are hoping to sneak in a few dates while she is here since our babies would be in good hands! jeffrey is still trying to convince her to come live in our basement...not a bad idea!!!!
i can't wait to report how our thursday goes...we are continuing to take each moment day by day...in the hopes that our SHORT LIVED time here will be very well spent!
we had what a southerner, like myself, would call a blizzard today. several inches of snow collected at our house yet strangely, there were still people out jogging and walking their dogs. people act like it is no big deal and then there is me...fighting back the urge to make a dash to the grocery to gather the staples to get us through what might be a "shut in"!!!!! oh, do i have some learning to do.
as soon as jeffrey got home tonight, he and ella went outside to play in the snow. since i am trying hard to find the nuggets of positivity in this experience, watching ella laugh and play...knowing that she would not have gotten to do this in little rock, somehow makes all of this a little bit easier. she is like my prophet - sent to teach me amazing things. to say "i love her" (and maddie) seems like an insignificant use of the english language...it is SO much more than that.
ella starts "school" tomorrow and we are all so excited. madeline and i have our first play date as well. i met a precious girl on our tour of the school - she happens to be from new orleans - almost feels like a miracle. anyway, i "stalkishly" asked for her phone number which she graciously gave me...and we are getting together tomorrow! maddie and i can hardly wait!!!!!
carmen is here visiting which is like having comfort food when you are not feeling so well. ella has a blast with her - "carmie" hardly ever gets to sit down! jeffrey and i are hoping to sneak in a few dates while she is here since our babies would be in good hands! jeffrey is still trying to convince her to come live in our basement...not a bad idea!!!!
i can't wait to report how our thursday goes...we are continuing to take each moment day by day...in the hopes that our SHORT LIVED time here will be very well spent!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Guest Blogger...
I originally posted this as a comment to Meredith's last blog entry, but after a few requests, I decided to move this to the main page...
After seeing that great post and feeling guilty about the last couple of weeks (lots of work time), I decided it was downright wrong for me not to respond with my top 10 list of things I love about my wife. Without further ado, here it is:
1. Her easy and beautiful smile…even when she is hurting and troubled
2. The way that both of our girls just light up being around her
3. Her ability to keep a straight house in the midst of a four way tornado/tsunami (J, E, M and Emma…I would say we are equally a category 4)
4. Her loving nature and kindness with our girls (and me!)
5. Her ability to stay in touch with friends and foster relationships (as much as I pick on her for staying on the phone…it is only out of jealousy for her time)
6. Her quick words and actions that defuse many a tense situation between daddy and daughter (typically reminding me of our children’s age or poor sleep schedule that day)
7. She is gorgeous, you know…I just have to mention that!
8. Her uncanny knack for knowing what I have eaten 14 hours earlier by smelling my clothes or my breath
9. Her superhuman patience for dealing with a very flawed and messy husband
10. Lastly, I love her face, her body, her hair, her dimples, her patience, her kindness, her humility, her self-control, her forgiveness, her trust, her hopefulness and her perseverance…more or less, I love everything about her.
I hope everyone had a great valentine’s day and that you can all come visit soon!!!
Hubby
After seeing that great post and feeling guilty about the last couple of weeks (lots of work time), I decided it was downright wrong for me not to respond with my top 10 list of things I love about my wife. Without further ado, here it is:
1. Her easy and beautiful smile…even when she is hurting and troubled
2. The way that both of our girls just light up being around her
3. Her ability to keep a straight house in the midst of a four way tornado/tsunami (J, E, M and Emma…I would say we are equally a category 4)
4. Her loving nature and kindness with our girls (and me!)
5. Her ability to stay in touch with friends and foster relationships (as much as I pick on her for staying on the phone…it is only out of jealousy for her time)
6. Her quick words and actions that defuse many a tense situation between daddy and daughter (typically reminding me of our children’s age or poor sleep schedule that day)
7. She is gorgeous, you know…I just have to mention that!
8. Her uncanny knack for knowing what I have eaten 14 hours earlier by smelling my clothes or my breath
9. Her superhuman patience for dealing with a very flawed and messy husband
10. Lastly, I love her face, her body, her hair, her dimples, her patience, her kindness, her humility, her self-control, her forgiveness, her trust, her hopefulness and her perseverance…more or less, I love everything about her.
I hope everyone had a great valentine’s day and that you can all come visit soon!!!
Hubby
Monday, February 18, 2008
just some of the reasons...
WHY I LOVE MY SWEET ELLA...
1) the way she looks when she sucks her two fingers...she looks like a baby
2) she gives the best unexpected kisses and hugs
3) the way she shortens words- example: bluebs, strawbs,burrits...it is really hilarious!
4) she loves her baby sister more
than i could have ever hoped for
5) because her favorite outfit is her birthday suit!
6) the way she laughs...it is contagious
7) the way she snuggles into my neck when she is really sleepy
8) the way she looks with a ponytail
9) her smile
10) she is my precious first born and i am so thankful for her
WHY I LOVE MY SWEET MADELINE...1) the way she looks when she smiles and shows her crooked little teeth
2) the way she smells right when she gets out of the bath
3) the way she lays her head on my shoulder when she is sleepy
4) her only true word is "ella" & that warms my heart
5) the way bananas cause her to get excited like nothing else in this world
6) the way she looks when she is sleeping...she sucks like she is nursing
7) the way her little legs look in pants
8) her eyelashes
9) the way she "sings"
10) she is my precious second born and i am so happy to be her mommy
WHY I LOVE MY SWEET HUBBY...
1) he can fix anything...and i mean anything
2) he is brilliant
3) he is a wonderful daddy - his little girls adore him
4) he is funny...even when he doesn't mean to be
5) he is great at reading a map and helping me when i am lost...or just stuck in an ice storm
6) he knows how to make anything work
7) he can't keep a surprise
8) he hardly ever complains about the daily "errand" he runs for me!!!
9) he loves all of us girls with all that he has
10) he has promised me we can move back to the south!!!!!!!!!!
since february is the "love" month...i just thought i would let my family know how much i love them! they are my everything and i cherish every day with them!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
the notes of our song...
our time in little rock has been like one long song...lots of verses. some happy tunes, some sad tunes but nonetheless, some major tunage!!! all of our friends are the notes of that song. when we found out we were moving, we immediately went into panic mode because we wanted to maximize the amount of time we had to spend with all those amazing, dear friends we have made. so.................let's just say, i don't know how long it will be before i want to eat out again. we have shared so many fun times with all of you - it makes us wonder why we didn't do it more often. it also makes us wonder why we don't tell people more how much they mean to us.
to all the bunko crew...you guys are AWESOME and i will miss you so much. i so looked forward to our time each month. catching up on everyone's craziness and the latest "kiddo news"! man how we shared some laughs!!! i look forward to crashing an evening in the near future!
to the fisers...you are precious. cathy, i will never forget the first time i ever laid eyes on you. i immediately knew i wanted to get to know you...and look where that led us! i will always have a special place in my heart for you...and you know why. our girls will have a really funny story to tell as they grow older...thank goodness, ella doesn't need a nose job!!!!!
to the duncans...our first set of WONDERFUL, NEIGHBORLY neighbors. we will never forget you guys. it is a really special feeling to have friends that have known your children since they were born. unmatched really. we will be waiting for that visit.
to the davidsons...who are we going to stay up all night with? the journey we have endured with each other has woven us together in a remarkable way. it is hard to believe that all of that is behind us...who would have thought WE would be the ones moving. there are too many moments to share but i can assure you that you guys are permanently tattooed on our hearts. i cannot even begin to imagine us not being at noah & saylors birthday parties...i am just going to go ahead and say that "it is just not fair"! we will definitely be there in spirit. you are one in a million.
to the mosleys...words fail me. lori, you were the first person in this town that needed me more than i needed you and what a blessing that has been to me. you were truly an answer to prayer and i will miss you every second of every day. i will never be able to express with words what your friendship means to me...i hope you know. your whole family is the sweetest and i cannot wait to come pick you up at the airport...HA,HA,HA!!!!!
to brooke and stephanie...what am i going to do without you? we have had so much fun together and i will miss you tons! i am going to be so jealous if yall have a placement together and i am not there to share it with you! i have no doubt we will stay in touch! i love you gals!
to the eiseles...we never got to see you guys too often, but we will definitely keep in touch. mere- thanks for your visit the day before we left. small acts of kindness are what carried me through those days. i know i can read the latest "eisele family news" to keep up to date with all of you!
to "mother margaret"...you are such a dear, dear friend to me. no value can be placed on your wisdom and i have learned so much from you. i consider it an honor to have had you as my "arkansas mom" for all these years. your faith is incredible and helps me pave my walk every day...your voice rings in my head on a daily basis. i will miss you but i will NEVER forget you...there is no way i possibly could. we love you.
to nathan & lisa...we had such a wonderful time with you! our only regret is that we won't have more time to get to know you better - i can see us being lasting friends. we are excited that we will get to share lisa's first experience with our nation's capital! nathan, thanks for being such an amazing friend for jeffrey...you are really special to him.
while i know i am not moving to a different planet, or country for that matter, the idea of not being within driving distance for births, birthdays, special occasions, etc. makes me feel a sort of distance inside. i have never known what it feels like to be the one who couldn't make it because the trip would just be too far...
through the eyes of my three year old, this is no big deal and how i wish i could feel exactly what she feels. safe. the innocence of children and their resiliency is astonishing and frankly, i beg for it right now. my two children have no idea what is to come and that is such a gift. i could learn something from them every second if i would let myself. ella asked me the other day if we were moving. i said "yes, we are". she looked at me and said "do they have parks there?". i said "yes, they sure do". she then shrugged her shoulders and said "ok" and that was that. oh, if it was only that easy for her mommy.
i will keep playing the "song" of our last seven years over in my head...it makes for some sweet music. thanks to all the master musicians.
we love all of you.
to all the bunko crew...you guys are AWESOME and i will miss you so much. i so looked forward to our time each month. catching up on everyone's craziness and the latest "kiddo news"! man how we shared some laughs!!! i look forward to crashing an evening in the near future!
to the fisers...you are precious. cathy, i will never forget the first time i ever laid eyes on you. i immediately knew i wanted to get to know you...and look where that led us! i will always have a special place in my heart for you...and you know why. our girls will have a really funny story to tell as they grow older...thank goodness, ella doesn't need a nose job!!!!!
to the duncans...our first set of WONDERFUL, NEIGHBORLY neighbors. we will never forget you guys. it is a really special feeling to have friends that have known your children since they were born. unmatched really. we will be waiting for that visit.
to the davidsons...who are we going to stay up all night with? the journey we have endured with each other has woven us together in a remarkable way. it is hard to believe that all of that is behind us...who would have thought WE would be the ones moving. there are too many moments to share but i can assure you that you guys are permanently tattooed on our hearts. i cannot even begin to imagine us not being at noah & saylors birthday parties...i am just going to go ahead and say that "it is just not fair"! we will definitely be there in spirit. you are one in a million.
to the mosleys...words fail me. lori, you were the first person in this town that needed me more than i needed you and what a blessing that has been to me. you were truly an answer to prayer and i will miss you every second of every day. i will never be able to express with words what your friendship means to me...i hope you know. your whole family is the sweetest and i cannot wait to come pick you up at the airport...HA,HA,HA!!!!!
to brooke and stephanie...what am i going to do without you? we have had so much fun together and i will miss you tons! i am going to be so jealous if yall have a placement together and i am not there to share it with you! i have no doubt we will stay in touch! i love you gals!
to the eiseles...we never got to see you guys too often, but we will definitely keep in touch. mere- thanks for your visit the day before we left. small acts of kindness are what carried me through those days. i know i can read the latest "eisele family news" to keep up to date with all of you!
to "mother margaret"...you are such a dear, dear friend to me. no value can be placed on your wisdom and i have learned so much from you. i consider it an honor to have had you as my "arkansas mom" for all these years. your faith is incredible and helps me pave my walk every day...your voice rings in my head on a daily basis. i will miss you but i will NEVER forget you...there is no way i possibly could. we love you.
to nathan & lisa...we had such a wonderful time with you! our only regret is that we won't have more time to get to know you better - i can see us being lasting friends. we are excited that we will get to share lisa's first experience with our nation's capital! nathan, thanks for being such an amazing friend for jeffrey...you are really special to him.
while i know i am not moving to a different planet, or country for that matter, the idea of not being within driving distance for births, birthdays, special occasions, etc. makes me feel a sort of distance inside. i have never known what it feels like to be the one who couldn't make it because the trip would just be too far...
through the eyes of my three year old, this is no big deal and how i wish i could feel exactly what she feels. safe. the innocence of children and their resiliency is astonishing and frankly, i beg for it right now. my two children have no idea what is to come and that is such a gift. i could learn something from them every second if i would let myself. ella asked me the other day if we were moving. i said "yes, we are". she looked at me and said "do they have parks there?". i said "yes, they sure do". she then shrugged her shoulders and said "ok" and that was that. oh, if it was only that easy for her mommy.
i will keep playing the "song" of our last seven years over in my head...it makes for some sweet music. thanks to all the master musicians.
we love all of you.
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